Bruschetta No. 17

You can make this bruschetta with any number of wild mushrooms, David. My personal favorite for this dish would be Morels, but you could use Maitake, Black Trumpet, Saffron Milk-Cap or even the recession busting Yellow Oyster all to a similar erotic effect.

Standing in the middle of the sidewalk on 5th Avenue, you should gmail group chat 6 lovelies from your iPhone to recruit your harem. Make wild tapping, zooming and other finger motions while you block the flow of traffic. You’ll meet at least 3 more iPhone carrying princesses.

Bruschetta of Wild Mushroom and Raw Milk Tomme
Amuse Bouche for a Harem of 6 to 9

1/4 cup of mushroom stock
1 pound of wild mushrooms, brushed, trimmed and sliced
1 bunch of ramps trimmed and coursely chopped if you’re whipping this up during the Spring season in the Northeast or 1 goodly sized leek chopped fine if you’re in the South of France later in the Summer
3 Tbs high quality butter
1/4 cup white Bordeaux
1/4 cup fresh thyme leaves
Sea salt
Several crispy stiratos, baguettes or ciabattas
1/2 lb raw milk tomme
I like to use Cato Corner’s French Tomme, a Tomme de Savoie or the ever so coveted Tomme de Crayeuse

Add the mushroom and ramp trimmings to your pot-au-feu. Melt the butter on low heat and saute the ramps for 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms and saute for 2 minutes more. Add the wine, the stock, salt, a few rosemary leaves trimmed from your local church gardens and simmer for 5 minutes, reducing the liquid by half. Stir in the thyme leaves, taste and adjust for salt.

Add a schmear of your favorite tomme to the toasted bread. Top with a tablespoon of the mushroom mixture and feed your harem. Serve with a porron of Saint-Émilion. Gloat.

Tropical Whiteboy

This concoction, David, is essentially a mojito with more score power. I’ve replaced the rum with gin, the lime with orange and added Fee Brothers’ West Indian Orange Bitters.

Invite her over for afternoon cocktails in your tropical gardens and whip these up in large glasses. Be sure you don’t put out any snacks to make their effects even stronger. Keep the conversation flowing by telling her that you’ll whisk her from your St John beach house to your mountain getaway in Tobago while you dial up Bunji Garlin on your iPod.

Don’t forget your aviators and make-shift limbo pole.

2 Tbs raw sugar
1 and 1/2 slices sweet orange or satsuma
8 spearmint leaves
2 dashes orange bitters
3 ounces high-quality dry gin like Junipero or Hendricks
2 ounces sparkling mineral water
Cracked ice

Muddle the sugar orange slices and mint in a large glass. Add the bitters and fill the glass 3/4 full with ice. Add the gin. Add a little more gin. Mix by pouring into a large mixing glass, add the sparkling water and stir. Pour the mixture back into your serving glass, top with a sprig of mint and dance from your garden bar to where your date is standing looking at your beautiful orchids.

Mother’s Day Bruschetta No. 9

If you walk around Park Slope dressed in a chef’s coat with these amuse bouche on Mother’s Day, David, you’ll have a line around the corner. I suggest you make your Google calendar public, hire a resident Nanny and buy a stroller/bike rack for your sublet.

1 pound of fresh white anchovies from the Adriatic
1 cup extra-virgin Sicilian olive oil
1 tablespoon aleppo
1/4 cup finely chopped Italian parsley
2 garlic cloves, sliced paper-thin
2 tsp sea salt
Juice of one Sicilian lemon
1 dozen quail eggs
2 loaves of Sullivan Street Ciabatta
Alder wood smoked sea salt
Parmigiano Reggiano

If you have time, David, fly into Rome, drive East to Pescara and rent a boat with nets. If you don’t, walk down 7th Ave to Russo’s and buy a small container of their ready to use alici.

If you decide to catch your own, trim the fins. With your razor sharp filet knife, slit each fish along the belly from head to tail, remove the entrails and rinse well. Cut off the heads and pull out the spine and pin bones. Separate the two fillets, rinse and dry. Arrange the fillets in layers and cover with the lemon juice. Marinate for 4 hours.

Remove the anchovies from the lemon juice, rinse and pat dry. Wash out the dish and dry well. Return a single layer of cured anchovies to the dish and add garlic, olive oil, aleppo and sea salt.

If you decide to go to Russo’s, bring the alici to room temperature 1 hour before serving.

Preheat the oven to 250. Cut the ciabatta in 1/2 slices. place on an open rack and toast for 10 minutes. Rub both sides with whole garlic and turn. Toast for 10 to 15 minutes more.

Temper your egg frying pan. Crack the quail eggs and fry’em up. Lay 3 fillets on each toast. Top the fillets with the shaved Parmigiano, the quail eggs and a pinch of the smoked sea salt.

Stand on the corner of 6th Avenue and Union Street outside Union Market in your chef’s coat as if you’re the Executive Chef of the Market. Accompany your samples with an Albariño, your Twitter name and your sublet address.

Fresh Fettucine with Ramps, Asparagus, Shaved Lemon and Mint

Some girls like it rough. They beg for a tug of the hair, the two-handed choke or a double-backhanded-bitch-slap. Well, this recipe is not for them, David. Just toss those cave women a slab of raw meat and hose out their cage once a week.

This recipe is also not for women who claim to be “gluten intolerant”. Feed them a loaf of wheat bread which you’ve claimed is spelt, then kick them to the curb because they’re all a bunch of liars who jump from one fashionable food allergy to the next.

Use this recipe when you’ve found a keeper, David. She’ll stick around.

1 lb of fresh fettucine from Raffetto’s
8 ramps chopped finely
1 pound of asparagus, cut into 1 inch pieces
1/4 cup fresh mint leaves cut with your kitchen shears
1 lemon shaved on your mandoline
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1/2 cup of Sauvignon Blanc
3 Tbs high-quality unsalted butter
Sea salt
Olive oil
A couple of turns of the pink peppercorn mill
Shaved Parmigiano Reggiano

Bring a large pot (10qt.) of water to a boil.

Cut the lemon in half and shave each half on your mandoline.

Melt the butter in a 6 qt. saute pan and add the ramps. Saute for 3 minutes until the whites are translucent and the greens are wilted. Add the asparagus and stir to coat. Saute for 1 minute more. Add the white wine, shaved lemons, lemon juice and salt. Simmer for about 4 to 5 minutes until the asparagus are tender, but crisp.

When the water boils, add 3 Tbs of salt and a teaspoon of olive oil. Add the pasta and stir. Bring to a boil and cook for 2 minutes. Drain immediately, add the pasta to your saute pan with mint and toss. Add the fresh cracked pink pepper and taste for salt. Garnish with shave Parmigiano Reggiano and serve with the Sauvignon Blanc or a young, red Côtes du Rhône.

Zuppa della Nonna Conchetta

I know you don’t generally think of Grandmothers as sexy, David, but when Jennifer’s Great Grandmother began making soup one morning not only did I see her in a different light, I thought she was a sexy beast.

When I first met her the effect she had on me was that of most Mediterranean grandmothers. She smelled a little funny, but was extremely nice and her pinches only yielded minor bruises on my right cheek. Everything changed the first warm day of Spring when I spied her in the garden hunched over in her wheelchair pulling baby carrots from the rich, dark soil. What a woman. It didn’t matter she had no legs. By the time she wheeled the soup from the kitchen to the dining room table, I was considering polygamy. Jennifer just laughed at me, smacked my jaw shut causing me to bite my wagging tongue and said, “Eat your soup.”

Conchetta made many pots of soup that Spring and they were all called Zuppa della Nonna Conchetta but they only resembled each other in name. The first one she made on that beautiful, Spring day was my favorite. It was also the simplest. A few baby vegetables from her garden, dried chickpeas from last year’s harvest and rosemary from her window box.

R.I.P. Nonna Conchetta, 1897–1993

The Chickpeas
1 lb dried chickpeas
12 cups of water + water for soaking
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
sea salt

Sift through the beans and discard stones, debris and runts. Rinse the ones that made the cut under cold water. In an 8 qt stockpot, cover the chickpeas with 2 inches of water. put the lid on and store in cool spot overnight.

The following day, toast the cumin seeds in a small cast iron skillet and grind them in a mortar and pestle. Strain the chickpeas and add 12 cups of fresh, cold spring water, the bay leaf and the ground cumin.

Bring beans to a boil, skimming off any foam that develops, and then reduce to a simmer for about 1.5 until almost tender. Add the sea salt to taste (don’t be shy) and simmer for another 15 or 20 minutes

Strain the beans and reserve the liquid.

The Stock

6 baby onions and their tops
The stems from 1/2 pound of crimini mushrooms

3 spring garlic bulbs and their tops
12 pink peppercorns

1 bay leaf

1 three to four inch rind of Parmigiano Reggiano

2 Tbs Sicilian olive oil
The reserved cooking liquid from the chickpeas
8 cups of water

In the 8 qt. stock pot, saute the whites of the onions in olive oil until translucent. Add the reserved cooking liquid from the chickpeas the water  and the remaining ingredients. You should have about 4 quarts of liquid in your pot. If not, add additional water.

Bring the stock to a boil and simmer for 1 hour. Strain and reserve the stock.

The Soup

6 baby onions and their tops, minced
3 spring garlic bulbs and their tops, slivered
8 baby carrots, about 6 inches long, cut diagonally, about 1 inch long
6 new potatoes, about 2 inches in diameter, diced
1/2 pound of crimini mushrooms caps, sliced thinly
8 leaves of young mustard greens, about 6 to 8 inches long, sliced thinly crosswise
1/3 pound of small casarecce or other smallish pasta for soup
1 branch of rosemary, about 6 inches long

6 branches of thyme
3 Tbs Sicilian olive oil
Sea salt
1 cup of dry Italian white wine
Juice of 1 lemon
Parmigiano Reggiano, grated
A hand full of parsley leaves

Heat olive oil in your stock pot over medium heat. Add the baby onion and saute until translucent. Add the garlic and saute 1 minute more. Add the potatoes, carrots, mustard and mushrooms. Saute for 2 to 3 minutes and add 2 pinches of salt.

Add the white wine and turn the heat to medium-high. Simmer for 2 to 3 minutes. Add the broth, chickpeas, rosemary and thyme. Bring to a boil and simmer for 10 minutes on low heat.

Turn the heat to medium-high, bring to a low boil and add the casarecce or other smallish pasta that takes 10 minutes to cook.

Turn the heat off and add the lemon juice. Taste for salt. Remove the herb stems with tongs. Let the soup sit covered for at least 2 hours.

Reheat the soup before serve. Garnish with fresh parsley leaves, grated Parmigiano Reggiano and serve with slices of toasted baguette rubbed with fresh garlic cloves.

Choose a red from Puglia or a Montepulciano d’Abruzzo. Cheers!

Mexican Chocolate Waffles with Coconut Gelato

There are many ways to work this batter form Spanish Fly, David. For the ladies without a sweet tooth, top them with whipped cream hot out of the iron. In the morning, top them with warm mango syrup. After New Sashimi and Pumkin Sage Risotto, top them with Coconut Gelato and lick her plate clean.

The Coconut Gelato
Makes about a quart

1 Machete, sharpened
1 pair of 3/4 length white pants with frayed hem
1 Fresh coconut
3 cups farm fresh milk
6 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1 cup heavy cream

Don the 3/4 length pants. Shimmy up the tree with the machete in your teeth. Cut the coconut and let if fall into the sand. Cut the green skin away from one end of the to reveal the nut. Cut the top of the nut and drain the liquid into a small saucepan. Scoop out the meat and grate it.

Cook the coconut milk over low heat until reduced to a syrup, about 20 minutes.

In a large saucepan, combine the milk and grated coconut. Bring to a boil, remove pan from the heat, cover and let steep for 1 hour. Pour through a cheesecloth and press the solids. Reserve the milk, and discard solids.

Cream the egg yolks and sugar until think and pale yellow, about 3 to 5 minutes. Bring the milk back to a simmer. Add half of the milk to the creamed egg yolks, and whisk until blended. Return mixture to the saucepan with remaining milk. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture is thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon.

Remove saucepan from the heat, and immediately stir in cream. Pass mixture through a sieve set over a large bowl. Place bowl in an ice water bath, and chill. Add reduced coconut milk. Freeze the mixture in your ice cream maker.

The Waffles
Makes 4 waffles

3/4 cup of whole wheat pastry flour, sifted
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 tablespoon raw sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cardomom seeds
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
A pinch of grated nutmeg
A tiny pinch of cayenne chile powder
A pinch of salt
6 oz. melted dark chocolate 85–99%

1 cup farm fresh milk, warmed
2 whole eggs, room temperature
5 tablespoons butter, melted

Turn on your waffle iron. Toast and crush the cardomom seeds. Combine the dry ingredients in a medium bowl. Beat the eggs in another medium bowl and add the warmed milk. Pour the milk mixture into the dry ingredients and stir until smooth. Finally, fold in the butter and the melted chocolate.

Spoon the batter into your steaming waffle iron and cook for 1.5 – 2 minutes until crispy. Top the waffles with coconut gelato serve immediately.

The Coral Gables Cocktail

This little number, David, is for sipping by the pool. Or, you could shake one up and enjoy it on the veranda overlooking the croquet game below. The lawn does look lovely, doesn’t it?

For 2
4 ounces fresh squeezed madarine or clementine juice
2 ounces cold dry gin
1/2 ounce cointreau or grand marnier
(If she has a sweet tooth, you could add a full ounce)
2 dashes orange bitter

Combine the ingredients in descending order over ice and shake gently. Strain into chilled martini glasses and garnish with bitter orange zest.

Cumin and Rosemary Rubbed Pork Loin

I’m just back from my 3 month sojourn to India. I was meditating and asking forgiveness for what I did to that poor beast. Not only did I select the finest Red Wattle from a corral of heirloom hogs, but after I kissed his soft, moist snout and gave him a slap on the right hind quarter, I had him butchered into the finest cuts you’ve ever seen.

I don’t touch the stuff myself, David, but when that tall brunette with the fangs saunters across Broadway, grabs you by the hair and says, “Cook me dinner, He-Man” you’ll need a recipe to satisfy her meat lust.

These are the lengths to which I go to help a friend. God forgive me.

Cumin and Rosemary Rubbed Pork Loin with Roasted Pear and Madeira Wine Reduction

You can use a 2 pound loin to feed a small harem or if it’s just the two of you, ask your butcher to cut two – 2 inch thick slices from a well manicured loin.

1 teaspoon cumin seeds toasted and ground
1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 large bunch of Tuscan Blue rosemary
2 Bosc pears cut in half and cored1 piece of La Tur, 1/2 pound Nevat or another creamy mixed milk cheese
Zest of an orange
1/2 to 1 cup of Madeira Wine
Sea Salt
Pink Peppercorns

Massage the Meat
Cover the bottom of your marinating dish with rosemary needles. Rub the fillets with cumin and smoked paprika. Season with salt and gently press the fillets onto the bed of rosemary. Cover the top of the fillets with additional rosemary needles and gently press on them. Cover the dish and let it rest in the refrigerator for 24 – 48 hours turning the fillets over once.

Roast the Pears
Preheat the oven to 375. Season the pears with sea salt, cracked pink peppercorns and orange zest. Bake uncovered for about 15 – 20 minutes or until soft.

Sear and Deglaze
Turn the oven up to 425. Turn the flame on your sparkling stainless steel range to medium high and temper a large fry pan. Sear the pork loin for about 4 minutes per side, then pop it in the oven for about 10 minutes to finish it.

Meanwhile deglaze the pan. Turn the flame to medium, toss in half a cup of the madeira. Drink the other half cup. Stir and reduce the sauce until it’s just a few tablespoons.

If you use a meat thermometer, cook the loin to 150 degrees, remove from the oven and let stand for a few minutes. Slice the loin in half and if it’s still a little pink you can put it back in the oven for a minute or two. If her fangs are dripping serve it pink.

Plate It
Spoon the sauce on the plate. Fan the loin slices on top of the sauce. Put a dollop of room temperature La Tur on top of the pear. Serve with a Tuscan red. Follow it with raw figs and Parmigiano Reggiano.

4th of July in Long Island

The beginning of July kicked off Tuna season on the Eastern tip of Long Island. We landed at JFK on July 1 with Gucci sunglasses and Manolo boat shoes. The helicopter whisked us off to Montauk. I chartered a two day trip to The Canyons where the big boys bite. Jennifer decided to forage for fresh vegetables in a blue and white striped number.

I landed a goodly-sized Bluefin, just slightly larger than the 60 foot fishing yacht we were aboard. A carrier gull brought the news to Jennifer.

She found wild greens and turmeric root in the forest. When her blue and white stripes emerged from the edge of the woods into a meadow filled with wildflowers, she found an organic farmer who was more than happy to dig baby potatoes while her dress floated on the breeze.

Jennifer mentioned the farmer’s daughter was cute, David. You could pick her up on the way to Montauk when you try this dish. Makes for a great 4th of July cookout or Labor Day garden party. Tuna season is on through the beginning of October.

Grilled Yellowfin Tuna and Just Dug Potato Salad with Tarragon Aioli
Serves you, David and 3 natural beauties

The Tuna
1/2 teaspoon black mustard seeds
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
1/2 teaspoon coriander seeds
1 teaspoon fresh grated turmeric root
Sea salt
Olive oil
Minced habanero for garnish
Fresh squeezed lime for garnish

Heat the seeds on medium in a cast iron skillet until fragrant. Remove and grind in your spice mortar. Add the turmeric root and a tablespoon of olive oil Rub the tuna steaks with the spice mixture, cover and refrigerate for at least an hour.

The Aioli
1/2 cup Sweet Sicilian olive oil
1 farm fresh egg yolk
1 clove crushed garlic
1/2 tsp dijon mustard
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons tarragon cut fine with your herb shears
Zest of lemon
Pinch or two of salt

Don’t bother coddling the egg. If you using a farm fresh egg, you’ll have no worries. You’ll know it’s good when you crack and separate it.

Mix the egg yolk, lemon juice and mustard in a bowl. In the tiniest, slowest stream, whisk in the olive oil. If the olive oil doesn’t completely combine with the egg, stop pouring and keep whisking. When combined, continue whisking and pouring in a slow steady stream until thick.

Add the crushed garlic and salt. Cover and store in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.

The Potato Salad
2 pounds of just dug baby potatoes, mixed varietals and colors
1 bunch of spring shallots, trimmed and minced
A hand full of basil leaves, sheared

Bring a large pot of spring water to a boil. Cut the cute little baby potatoes in half. Add the potatoes to the pot and simmer boil for about 7 to 10 minutes or until fork tender, not mushy.

Submerge the potatoes in a bowl of iced spring water to stop the cooking and then allow to rest and cool for several minutes.

Toss the potatoes, spring shallots and aioli. Add the basil and toss once more.

Plate it
When your potato salad is ready to go, throw the tuna on the grill. Cook for about 2 minutes per side, then remove from the grill and cut the steak in half. If you like it slightly less rare, put in back on the grill for no more than 1 minute per side Whatever you do, don’t turn this fresh fish into shoe leather.

Mound the potato salad on the plate, top with tuna steak and garnish with wild baby greens. Squeeze a little lime juice and fleck the tuna steak with minced habanero. Pour a glass of Nero D’Avola or a Belgian Blanche. Cheers.

Grilled Octopus with Chayote, Lemon Basil and Mint

When you awake from your post lunch slumber a day later with a sex hangover, you’ll be famished David. Don’t forget you saved the octopus tentacles with thick, fatty skin for this very moment. Don’t even bother getting dressed. Just grab your black silk robe, hand Galen her Pucci throw and head for the veranda to light the grill.

The Chayote Salad
1 chayote, pitted and cubed
1 ripe xcatec chile deseeded, deveined and minced(should be orange or red)
A handful of lemon basil leaves
A smaller handful of mint leaves
Olive oil
Sea salt

Toss, cover and refrigerate for 15 minutes while you wrestle the octopus.

The Octopus
You seasoned the octopus with sea salt and pink peppercorns before your love nap so you should be ready to throw these on the grill. Brush them with a little more olive oil just before you do.

Plate it
Cut the octopus on the diagonal into manageable pieces. Mound the chayote salad in the center of the plate and arrange the octopus on top. Feed her the octopus with your strong, yet tender man hand in between sips of a light Sardinian Red or a Southern Italian Rosato.