Champagne Breakfast

August 21, 2006

It’s 5am, you’ve been schvitzing for hours, you’re dehydrated and your stomach needs attention. Baby Cham’s Ghetto Story is permanently burned into your mental soundtrack. You Willie Bounced, Taxi Fared, stepped Irish Style, Thunder Clapped and single handedly brought back the Bogle in one revolutionary evening. Now, it’s time for breakfast and the dancehall is filled with hungry hot bodies. Pick one that doesn’t look like she could eat your apartment complex and on the way to the diner, suggest that you head back to your pad for Champagne Breakfast. On the way there, stop by the bakery and pick up a loaf of warm raisin walnut bread.


The second thing you’re going to need is Champagne

Make sure you buy the real thing. There’s no such thing as Cava Breakfast or Prosecco Breakfast and forget about those cheap American sparklers. Whatever you do, don’t go for the Crystal. Instant strike out.

Fresh Fruit with homemade whipped cream

Both of you need to rehydrate and there’s nothing more sensual than wild strawberries.
1/2 pint wild strawberries, topped and sliced in half
1/2 pint blueberries
1 peach, peeled and sliced
squeeze of lime

Whipped cream
1/2 pint heavy cream
grated nutmeg
elbow grease

Flex your whisk and whip the cream until stiff. Toss the fruit with the lime juice, top with fresh whipped cream and pour the champagne.


Soft boiled duck eggs with smoked sea salt and cracked Balinese long pepper

That’s right, I said it, long pepper. It’s an aromatic number with just the right bite.
2 farm fresh duck eggs
A pinch of smoked sea salt
2 turns of the pepper mill filled with long pepper
1 loaf of warm raisin walnut bread
1 small wheel of soft goat’s milk cheese like Chabichou or Petit Billy


Bring the pot of water to a boil. Just before it boils gently submerge the eggs. Boil for exactly 5 minutes. If you’re using chicken eggs boil for 3 to 4 minutes depending on the size of the egg. Serve in an egg cup, crack the top and sprinkle the smoked sea salt and crack the pepper. Offer the raisin walnut bread with a soft goat cheese and pour more champagne.


Eye-Catching 3D Effects

August 13, 2006

I have a friend — for the sake of anonymity, let’s call her F. Kate Temple — who has what I thought was a peculiar fetish. After a little research on the subject, I found out she’s not alone. There are tons of girls that love men who create and give PowerPoint presentations. Most of all, they love transitions. We’re not talking out of the box fades or left to right wipes, they like TV-style 3D effects. The cheesier the better so you’re going to need plug-ins. Forget about the food for these ladies, David. You’re going to have to learn how to create a sexy presentation that rocks the white socks and tennie pumps off her feet.


You’ll need to know how to spot these girls. They may blend in with the other fitted skirts or they might not look the part at all. Patrol streets like Park Avenue South, Madison Avenue and 42nd Street around Bryant Park. Dress business casual, no tie so they can’t pinpoint what department you work in. Scope out where people take their smoke breaks and stroll up like you work in the building. It could be your first week with the company. Try things like, “Do you work with Ryan’s group”. There’s bound to be a Ryan in charge on one of those floors filled with cubicles. Once you have a bite, mention the 60 page presentation Bill left on your plate with before he flew to Chicago last night. If her knees start to shake and she starts to perspire around the hairline, you know you’ve got a live one. If not, don’t give up, there are plenty more office buildings where that one came from.

You’ll know for sure when you ask if she’ll watch a practice run of the presentation. She’ll melt. Ask her to bring her new Proxima and meet you at your Upper East Side studio. Chill an Albariño and order Chinese food. You’re going to need some fuel.

Fit for the Gods

August 7, 2006


The pharoes of Egypt were so enchanted with the flavors of wild mushrooms they decreed mushrooms could only be eaten by royalty. No commoner was allowed to put their grubby paws on the regaled fungi. It’s rumored the royal chefs would use chanterelles in the stews they prepared for the feasts of Osiris that quickly degenerated into orgies which made the copycat Roman parties sound like an episode of A Prarie Home Companion. We’re talking ancient love potion here David.

Chanterelle and Sage Risotto for 2

Most good meals start with the stock.
3 carrots cut into large chunks
1 bulb of garlic separated, but not peeled
12 cups of water
3 medium potatoes cut into 1/4s
2 onions cut into 1/8ths
1/2 bunch of parsley, stems and all
10 sprigs of thyme
1 sprig of sage
1 tsp coarse sea salt
10 white peppercorns
1 bay leaf
1/2 cup of dry white wine
Rind of aged pecorino

Sautee the onions in 2 Tbs olive oil until translucent. Add the white wine and simmer until reduced by half. Add the water, turn up the heat to high and and all the vegetables. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat and simmer for 1 hour. Strain the stock, transfer to a smaller pot and add the cheese rind. Simmer for 20 minutes and remove the rind.

The Chanterelles
1/2 pint fresh golden or yellow foot chanterelles
1 clove garlic crushed
2 Tbs clarified butter
1/4 cup stock
1/2 cup chopped sage
Cut the mushrooms into large slices. Sautee garlic in clarified butter over a low flame for 2 minutes. Add the mushrooms and sautee gently for 5 mins. Add the stock, sage and simmer for a few more minutes.

The Risotto
2 shallots minced
1 cup of carnaroli or arborio rice
1/2 cup dry white wine
4 cups of stock
2 Tbs olive oil
3 Tbs grated Parmigiano
pinch of crushed red pepper
salt to taste
Sautee the crushed red pepper and shallots in olive oil until translucent. Add the carnaroli stir to coat and sautee for 2 minutes. Add the wine and cook uncovered, stirring often until liquid is reduced by half. Add 1/2 cup of stock and continue the process for about 20 minutes until the risotto is almost al dente. Add the mushrooms and cook for a few minutes more adding stock as necessary. The risotto should be firm, not soft. Garnish with fresh sage leaves and serve with French pinot. Don’t forget to wear your royal robes.