Tropical Whiteboy

This concoction, David, is essentially a mojito with more score power. I’ve replaced the rum with gin, the lime with orange and added Fee Brothers’ West Indian Orange Bitters.

Invite her over for afternoon cocktails in your tropical gardens and whip these up in large glasses. Be sure you don’t put out any snacks to make their effects even stronger. Keep the conversation flowing by telling her that you’ll whisk her from your St John beach house to your mountain getaway in Tobago while you dial up Bunji Garlin on your iPod.

Don’t forget your aviators and make-shift limbo pole.

2 Tbs raw sugar
1 and 1/2 slices sweet orange or satsuma
8 spearmint leaves
2 dashes orange bitters
3 ounces high-quality dry gin like Junipero or Hendricks
2 ounces sparkling mineral water
Cracked ice

Muddle the sugar orange slices and mint in a large glass. Add the bitters and fill the glass 3/4 full with ice. Add the gin. Add a little more gin. Mix by pouring into a large mixing glass, add the sparkling water and stir. Pour the mixture back into your serving glass, top with a sprig of mint and dance from your garden bar to where your date is standing looking at your beautiful orchids.

Mother’s Day Bruschetta No. 9

If you walk around Park Slope dressed in a chef’s coat with these amuse bouche on Mother’s Day, David, you’ll have a line around the corner. I suggest you make your Google calendar public, hire a resident Nanny and buy a stroller/bike rack for your sublet.

1 pound of fresh white anchovies from the Adriatic
1 cup extra-virgin Sicilian olive oil
1 tablespoon aleppo
1/4 cup finely chopped Italian parsley
2 garlic cloves, sliced paper-thin
2 tsp sea salt
Juice of one Sicilian lemon
1 dozen quail eggs
2 loaves of Sullivan Street Ciabatta
Alder wood smoked sea salt
Parmigiano Reggiano

If you have time, David, fly into Rome, drive East to Pescara and rent a boat with nets. If you don’t, walk down 7th Ave to Russo’s and buy a small container of their ready to use alici.

If you decide to catch your own, trim the fins. With your razor sharp filet knife, slit each fish along the belly from head to tail, remove the entrails and rinse well. Cut off the heads and pull out the spine and pin bones. Separate the two fillets, rinse and dry. Arrange the fillets in layers and cover with the lemon juice. Marinate for 4 hours.

Remove the anchovies from the lemon juice, rinse and pat dry. Wash out the dish and dry well. Return a single layer of cured anchovies to the dish and add garlic, olive oil, aleppo and sea salt.

If you decide to go to Russo’s, bring the alici to room temperature 1 hour before serving.

Preheat the oven to 250. Cut the ciabatta in 1/2 slices. place on an open rack and toast for 10 minutes. Rub both sides with whole garlic and turn. Toast for 10 to 15 minutes more.

Temper your egg frying pan. Crack the quail eggs and fry’em up. Lay 3 fillets on each toast. Top the fillets with the shaved Parmigiano, the quail eggs and a pinch of the smoked sea salt.

Stand on the corner of 6th Avenue and Union Street outside Union Market in your chef’s coat as if you’re the Executive Chef of the Market. Accompany your samples with an Albariño, your Twitter name and your sublet address.

Fresh Fettucine with Ramps, Asparagus, Shaved Lemon and Mint

Some girls like it rough. They beg for a tug of the hair, the two-handed choke or a double-backhanded-bitch-slap. Well, this recipe is not for them, David. Just toss those cave women a slab of raw meat and hose out their cage once a week.

This recipe is also not for women who claim to be “gluten intolerant”. Feed them a loaf of wheat bread which you’ve claimed is spelt, then kick them to the curb because they’re all a bunch of liars who jump from one fashionable food allergy to the next.

Use this recipe when you’ve found a keeper, David. She’ll stick around.

1 lb of fresh fettucine from Raffetto’s
8 ramps chopped finely
1 pound of asparagus, cut into 1 inch pieces
1/4 cup fresh mint leaves cut with your kitchen shears
1 lemon shaved on your mandoline
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1/2 cup of Sauvignon Blanc
3 Tbs high-quality unsalted butter
Sea salt
Olive oil
A couple of turns of the pink peppercorn mill
Shaved Parmigiano Reggiano

Bring a large pot (10qt.) of water to a boil.

Cut the lemon in half and shave each half on your mandoline.

Melt the butter in a 6 qt. saute pan and add the ramps. Saute for 3 minutes until the whites are translucent and the greens are wilted. Add the asparagus and stir to coat. Saute for 1 minute more. Add the white wine, shaved lemons, lemon juice and salt. Simmer for about 4 to 5 minutes until the asparagus are tender, but crisp.

When the water boils, add 3 Tbs of salt and a teaspoon of olive oil. Add the pasta and stir. Bring to a boil and cook for 2 minutes. Drain immediately, add the pasta to your saute pan with mint and toss. Add the fresh cracked pink pepper and taste for salt. Garnish with shave Parmigiano Reggiano and serve with the Sauvignon Blanc or a young, red Côtes du Rhône.