Salty Tail: It Came from the Sea

June 12, 2006


David, one day soon the battle for the earth will take place between the humans and an army of sea creatures– led by the lobsters and their fiendish friends the killer whales. Show her that you're not afraid of Armageddon and that you'll defend her to the last; she will be forever yours.

Now go forth and get your bib. Make her 'Fresh Pasta with Lobster in a Sultry Taragon Lime Cream accompanied by Shaved Beat and Sorrel Salad.' If she doesn't melt at the sight of you ripping the claws off these fearsome beasts, throw her back in the sea.

2 Lively Lobsters on Ice (approx 1.5lb)
Boil a big pot of water.
Yell, 'back to the sea, pinko' and gently toss your first lobster into the pot. You only want to blanch him (or her) for about 2 minutes so the meat is just staring to cook. You'll finish him up in the sauce to show that clawed-devil who his crawdaddy is.

After two minutes, pull him out and give him a good cold-water bath and a table shower. Repeat with the second lobster.

Whatever you do, don't dump out the cooking water in the stockpot!


Now it's dismemberment time. Rip the tail and claws off. Get all the meat out but save shells. You can dump the bit with the green goop, too. Unless you're French and you like that sort of thing, if so, bon appetite.
You'll want to do the dismembering with authority. Remember, you're showing her that you can defend the hearth from one of nature's fiercest creatures. Cut the tail meat into good-sized chunks, but leave the claws whole.

The Stock

2 large onions
4 carrots
2 celery stalks
3 large white potatoes
1 bulb of garlic
1 bunch of parseley
2 bay leaves
10 white peppercorns1 tsp sea salt

After you've removed lobster number two and showered him off, place your stock vegetables into the stockpot. Bring them to a boil and then let simmer for 30 minutes. Add your shells to the stockpot and cook for an additional 20 minutes. Strain the stock.

The Pasta and the Sultry Sauce
Heat 1 cup of heavy cream in a small saucepan with 1⁄4 cup chopped tarragon. Sautee 3 large shallots in 3 Tbs olive oil until translucent. Stir in a small pinch of cayenne pepper. Add hot cream and bring to a simmer. Take the opportunity to say ‘hot cream’ as often as possible when your date is in earshot. Why? Well, It can’t hurt.

Reduce slightly and add 1⁄4 cup of hot stock.Bring the stock to a boil and add 1lb. fresh linguine. David, don’t let your noodles get too flaccid — 2 minutes tops. Soggy pasta is an insult to yourself and your mortal enemy, the lobster. It should be “Al Dente.”
While the pasta is boiling, add the lobster meat, the juice of one large or two small limes, more chopped tarragon and simmer for 2 to 3 minutes until the lobster is just set. Add additional stock if the sauce is too thick. It should be loose and plentiful. You don’t want things to seize up when you stick your pasta in.

Drain the pasta, but reserve the stock. This stuff is liquid gold. In northern Maine they’d stab you with a spoon if they saw you spill a single drop!

Add the pasta to the sauce and fold it in with your most gentle love caress. You are, Mr. Neumann, a lover and a fighter. Plate with a twirl. Garnish with a few tarragon leaves and top with 1⁄2 tsp of salmon row.

The Shaved Beet Salad
Shave 1 yellow and 1 red beet with a mandolin. Use the smallest setting that will allow a full slice to come through paper-thin.You may think this step is superfluous but in the seductive art of cooking every gesture has hidden meaning. In this meal you’ve already satisfied her sense of security and tenderness. Now you’ll be saying: If things go pear-shaped, I can always find work as a moyel.

Blanch for 3 to 4 minutes until softened slightly, but still snappy and crunchy. Rinse with cold water.

In a large mixing bowl add the shaved beets, 2 sliced red spring onions, 1⁄4 cup parsley, 1 cup chopped sorrel leaves (oh so lemony), 1 tsp red wine vinegar, 3 Tbs olive oil, pinch of salt, pinch of hot paprika or two and a crack of the green peppercorn mill.

The Wine
Serve the meal with a couple bottles of chilled Rioja Rosado

The Aftermath
Voila! You’ve saved the earth and hopefully you’re well on your way to planting the seeds of a new world. Sweet dreams, David.


3 Responses to “Salty Tail: It Came from the Sea”

  1. Whitney Says:

    That meal looks better than sex

  2. Mr. Tncrumpets Says:

    Hmm, that’s a dilemma because the meal is supposed to get David into the sack. If the meal is better than sex, he’s probably going to sleep alone, again. We’ll try and tone it down a notch so next time it’s almost as good as sex.

    Thanks for your feedback mystery woman.

  3. Cookie Says:

    She’s no mystery.

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